Receiving Negative Feedback

DBT and RO-DBT Skills to Use When Hearing Constructive/Negative Feedback

In my practice, I lead both DBT Skills Groups and RO-DBT Skills groups. While DBT helps clients who deal with under-control behaviors and need help regulating emotions, RO-DBT helps clients who have over-control behaviors. When it comes to relationship issues and receiving negative feedback, I am seeing clients in both of these groups struggle and want to grow in handling this more effectively when this occurs. It is common to get uncomfortable when given negative feedback in these environments:

• in the workplace

• with roommates

• between romantic partners

• in friendships

• in parent/child relationships

In DBT, many of my clients struggle with anger outbursts and aggressive responses. They can get easily triggered by hearing feedback, even if constructive and may have trouble regulating intense anger or frustration. At the same time, some of my other DBT clients can have trouble with intense anxiety when hearing negative feedback and can freeze and go into a passive stance. The root of both of these responses is how intense emotions (i.e. anger or anxiety) makes it hard to be effective when hearing something uncomfortable.

However, in RO-DBT, it is more common that the over-control behaviors that show up when given negative feedback can be in the form of: being defensive, blaming, over-focusing on the other person, explaining themselves, or even appearing fragile (called the "Don't Hurt Me" response). The root of these responses is from a core belief of wanting to be right, wanting to be heard, not wanting to feel vulnerable and can stem from the emotion of anxiety or shame. So these over-control behaviors are used to not look at oneself and not feel the uncomfortable emotions such as guilt, shame, or anxiety. The avoidance is a way to control.

What all of these responses have in common is that they can harm relationships. Therefore, the coaching that I give to my clients is different based on what the root issues are.

For example, in DBT I will focus on:

• learning to listen and validate the other person and what they are saying (skills are taught in DBT to learn to validate the other person's feelings, experiences, and perceptions even if it may be different from your own)

• Checking the Facts (Emotion Regulation skill) to analyze if the feedback is valid or not

• Distress Tolerance skills to lower the intensity of emotions when feeling triggered (deep breathing, Half-Smile)

• Radically accepting the person and the fact you may hear negative feedback and learning to self-validate when necessary as a way to maintain self-respect

In RO-DBT, I will focus on:

• using a skill called BIG 3 + 1 to address the nervous system and activate safety arousal since it is common to feel in threat mode when given negative feedback

• educating my clients on how the over-control behaviors is a way to avoid looking at themselves

• looking at the feedback given and going through a process to see how much to accept or decline the feedback

• using a skill called Self-Enquiry to help learn from your own responses (this is where you ask yourself questions to help you get to your edge, your personal unknown, or revelations about yourself you may need to look at) so that you can continue growing as a person

• outing yourself to others when you are noticing uncomfortable emotions or thought patterns so that you can take responsibility for your own reactions instead of focusing on others

These bullet points are just basic summaries of skills I will focus on. DBT and RO-DBT Skills groups will go much more in depth so that you can learn about your specific triggers, thought patterns, and emotions that may surface for you when you hear negative feedback. Often times, family of origin issues, role modeling, and past relationship patterns that you have experienced can play a role in these communication dynamics. In addition, learning about your personality type and the root issues you may struggle with can give you much insight and understanding about what skills you need the most and what you may need to grow in.

If you are interested to see if you are good fit for DBT Skills group or RO-DBT Skills group, do not hesitate to reach out for an assessment.

What tends to be your response when given negative or constructive feedback?

What does this tell you about what emotions and thought patterns are underlying your response?

What coping skills are going well for you and what is a weakness?