Healing Broken Relationships

Using DBT Skills to Work Through Relationship Repair

A common topic in my DBT groups recently has centered around the process of healing broken relationships. It is common clients attend DBT group once their relationships are in state of turmoil and tension such as: going through a separation, starting couples therapy or disengagement in a family due to a major conflict.

The DBT skills group covers many skills to help in this process. Here are the common dilemmas that often need to be addressed:

• If my spouse or partner has already separated from me, what am I supposed to do now?

• How do I sit with my grief and shame around my past actions that have now led us to this point?

• What skills do I use when my family member addresses me with all of their grievances and I get triggered?

• If my tendency is to be defensive when they confront me on how I have hurt them, what can I do instead?

• How do I rebuild trust with my family member or partner if there have already been so many years of us being stuck in these patterns?

• If my intense loneliness and fear of abandonment issues are really coming to the surface, what can I do to cope and take care of myself?

• If my anger towards my partner or family member is something I am ruminating on, how do I work through this and still try to repair and keep the relationship?

As you can see, these are challenging issues that are not solved overnight. The DBT skills group provides a safe place to process the emotions, identify the problem(s) to be solved, receive coaching on how to be effective, and learn specific DBT skills to gain confidence in learning new thinking and behavior patterns. What is especially beneficial is when group members engage with their partner or family member to work on repair and then can come back to group to get more feedback and coaching on how this went and what to do next. There is constant support and trouble shooting around how to address issues instead of avoiding or going back to unhealthy patterns.

In general, here are some common coaching areas I will provide for my group members going through broken relationships but desiring reconciliation and repair:

1.) Learning how to take responsibility for your part in the relationship rupture

2.) Identifying new behaviors that need to be learned in the group in order for the other person to regain trust (i.e. learning to regulate emotions, improving ability to have emotional connection)

3.) Learning to ask good questions in order to gain understanding of how the other person experienced you and how they were affected by the relationship dynamics

4.) Improving ability to regulate emotions instead of going to anger outbursts, defensiveness or withdrawal behaviors

5.) Learning to be vulnerable such as opening up about emotions, struggles, weaknesses, and feelings of affection

6.) Gaining awareness on how to make amends and verbalize apologies with an attitude of humbleness

7.) Developing the ability to put yourself in the other person's shoes in order to increase empathy and decrease tendencies to be "right" or have the upper hand

8.) Continuing to be responsible for your own sense of independence and social support and community in your life outside of the relationship so that there is not an tendency to base your mood off of what is going on in that relationship.

Are you currently going through a relationship stressor where there is a need for healing, rebuilding trust, and making amends?

If so, what skills do you need to work on for yourself to move forward?