What Not to Say if Someone is Suffering

A common topic that a majority of my DBT clients will talk about in DBT Skills group is how to improve relationships. In the relationship module of DBT, I will teach my clients specific skills on how to validate and emotionally respond well to someone if they open up about deep emotions. This is a hard skill. I will tell my clients that even therapists are not perfect in this skill and it takes a lot of practice.

The Kerr County floods and the tragedy at Camp Mystic in Texas has made July a heavy month for many of my clients who were directly affected in some way. So, the skill of how to respond well to someone who is suffering is even more crucial and needed. The chances of talking to a friend who is suffering in some way is pretty high. We want to be people who can respond well to other people's suffering instead of making statements that make the other person feel invalidated or not heard.

In my DBT Process Group and DBT Advanced Groups that meet in person (groups that clients go to after graduating the DBT Skills Training class), I will give coaching and modeling on what to say and what not to say if someone else opens up about their current hardship or suffering. This skill is best learned through observing and seeing modeling, not necessarily just from reading a book. But this is one reason why I love group therapy. The interactions and emotional support that group members give one another is so valuable in terms of experiencing connection and a sense of belonging.

Based on current events, more and more people are being challenged with how to respond well if someone is suffering. I will focus here on the three top mistakes I have seen people make. So basically, this is what not to say and do if someone is suffering in their emotional pain (i.e. grief, loss, anxiety).

1.) Give advice. If someone opens up at a heart level such as saying something like, "I am really struggling with anxiety and sadness as my father was just diagnosed with cancer", it is an ineffective response to go straight to problem solving mode and say something like, "I know there is really great treatment at MD Anderson." American culture is not good at sitting with emotional pain, so it is understandable that we want to fix, help, and caretake. But this misses the mark on the other person's emotions and the pain they are feeling.

2.) Talk about ourselves instead. It is common that in attempts to relate, connect, or make the other person feel better, we may share our own story or experience. But this can shut down the person opening up about their suffering or emotions. Many of my clients tell me that they do this, almost out of habit or an autopilot reaction. However, the more awareness they have about this can help them to not go to this tendency.

3.) Point out the silver lining. This occurs when we make statements to try to make the other person feel better, but it can come across as invalidating their emotional pain. If a friend shares, "My teenage daughter and I just had a huge conflict. She let out all this anger towards me and told me I was the worst parent and that she wished she could just move out now." Pointing out the silver lining would be to say something like, "Well, at least she is still talking to you and said all that."

Basically, we can't respond well to someone in their suffering until we grow in awareness of what not to say. Again, these are just the common mistakes I have observed in my own clients who are in group therapy with me and they are common tendencies my DBT clients have admitted they have seen in themselves. In a nutshell, we want to learn to respond well to others people's suffering by sitting with their feelings, being empathetic, and offering understanding and emotional support. These skills are best learned in a group setting through modeling and experiencing connections with others.

Utilizing DBT group to learn the coping skills and at the same time learn to connect with others in a healthy way is the best way to get the most of your group experience. Click here to learn more about DBT Skills groups and DBT Advanced Groups.