Ride or Die

This month a DBT skill that I have been coaching my clients in consistently is the Ride the Wave of Emotions skill. This Emotion Regulation skill means that you accept and non-judgmentally allow yourself to feel your emotions instead of pushing it away, numbing it out, or going to an impulsive behavior to escape it. This skill uses the Mindfulness skill of Observing because you are exposing yourself to uncomfortable feelings (i.e. anxiety, grief, anger) instead of trying to numb or escape the feelings. The idea is that by Riding the Wave of our Emotions, it helps us to manage the emotions instead of increasing our suffering by trying to push it away, which just leads to amplified emotions, rumination, and tendencies to hold onto it.

Several clients have been sharing their desire to go to alcohol, smoking, or binge eating as a way to cope with their anxiety. When I encourage them to practice Riding the Wave instead, they acknowledge it is uncomfortable. So then we look at the pros and cons. Once they then see that the cons of not Riding the Wave means a lack of confidence to feel their own emotions and instead sabotage themselves by going to the addictive behavior, they realize that they have to practice this skill. It's Ride or Die. Well, they are not literally going to die, but you get the idea. It's Ride the Wave of the Emotions, or harm yourself by going to the self-destructive behavior. There's just those two options. Riding the Wave of Emotions is essential to end any addictive behavior you have been going to in order to cope with emotional pain.

Other clients have been working on Riding the Wave of Emotions when it comes to relationship issues. It is very common that once my clients learn the DBT skills, they become more effective in communication with their partners and in regulating their own emotions. However, their partner may not have these skills and continue to exhibit emotions or mood issues that leak out in the relationships. This can get uncomfortable, but in these cases it is crucial to Ride the Wave of your own emotions while the other person works through their own stuff. There are no other options here. It's Ride the Wave or get triggered and react to the other person's emotions out of your own anger or anxiety which just leads to high conflict and more escalation in the relationship. We have to Ride the Wave of our own emotions as others we are in relationships with have their intense emotions in front of us. It's tempting to want to react to their stuff coming to the surface. Again, Riding the Wave means we accept our emotions instead of reacting to it in destructive ways. This takes a lot of practice and perhaps use of other DBT skills, such as self-soothing, Radical Acceptance of what is happening with the other person, and a priority to maintain our own self-respect instead of being ineffective.

Where would you find it useful to Ride the Wave of your emotions instead of going to an unhealthy behavior to numb your emotions? Or, who is someone in your life that can trigger your emotions when their emotions come out and you need to Ride the Wave instead of reacting to them? And remember--like the waves of an ocean that crest and fall and eventually come down, so will your emotions if you choose to Ride the Wave.